NO TITLE.

Subject: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 1:26 pm

PROLOGUE

Never have I thought the day would come that I would have a family. The dim days of my life seem to suck away all the faith I had of things turning good. My soul was being tattered away gradually, feeling the pain eat away at my bare flesh. Suicide was my answers to escaping this existence. Slowly I began to fade… the last of my well being gone…
As if a shaft of light had shined down on me, I got away. Heaven answered my prayers of being free from my personal anguish. They released their monsters on me, chasing me down, but who am I to talk? It was just a simple game of monsters chasing monster. But, like two guardian angels… they saved me. I looked up at those bright green gems; she called eyes and smiled down at me. How pathetic I felt to be in her presence, like a peasant bowing down to her queen. A man stood next to her, his expression a bit suspicious of me.
She held out her hand to me, but I hesitated. What would happen if I took it? Would she hit me? Take me back to them? Finally I made my decision and like an angel’s touch, I took her hand…

Chapter One: Hellix:
I hang upside down on the chandelier, remembering the day I first met Fidd Littlewood. You could say she changed my old ways… teaching me the optimistic things in life. She became my best friend and my family. I scan the vacant library and sit up a bit, the chandelier swaying slightly.
The house we lived in now belonged to her ‘brother’, Kaitou Hinta-kira. We used to live on our own in a house in the woods but things got bad. Hunters kept attacking our home, trying to kill us basically. Fidd has this slight fear of the hunters… She tries to hide it but, I can see it in her eyes when the sound of gunpowder goes off. Foggy (her ‘servant’ who is an elf) suggested we should go to Kaitou’s, since it was more of a safer place then there.
Once of the other people that lived in the house was Willow Crescut and Kure Shugotenshi. I had a big crush on Kure, but it ended when I saw he had interest for Willow. From what he told me, Kure is a demon. (This is a reason why he’s so good looking) Though, that’s the only thing he ever told us about himself. Willow on the other hand, is a vampire, and it shows. She dresses in all black. It slightly used to scare me but after I got to know her, she was a very nice girl. Though, her relationship with Kure is still in the development. She can be slightly harsh to him, however, at times but other than that, she’s generaly sweet toward him, instead.
I look down at the sound of the door to the library open. Kaitou walks in and walks to one of the book shelves. My tail swished with amusement of watching him. Does he know I’m right here? I watch him pull out a book and sit at the table to read. A small smile came to my lips; there was something about him that made me melt for some reason.
“You should get down from there before you fall off and break something.” He says not looking up from his book. I felt my heart skip a beat when he spoke those words.
“Umm… Right…” My hand slips and I nearly fall, he looks up and shakes his head.
“Get down Hellix.”
“I’m trying.” I finally let go of the chandelier and fall to the ground, landing with ease.

(so far. Sorry if I got kaitou's last name wrong)

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

That's alright. I don't even remember it.

You described my characters very well, which I am very happy to see. Seeing Fidd as an angel is quite funny since she is just a little girl.

You should do different parts of the book in different people's views, since sometimes the main parts of the story are with Kure only, then others with Kaitout only, etc.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 4:07 pm

I was actually going to do that. Every chapter or two change the point of views. X.x I just need to learn on being suave for kure and stuffs.

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

I'm here to help, so don't panic or anything.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 4:19 pm

^^ okies thanks~

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

Just keep writing.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:04 pm

Okies

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

I expect to see another part soon. ;]

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:21 pm

I'll try my best xD

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

Allow me to edit one thing in your story that is bothering me.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:29 pm

GO AHEAD.
V.V i'm not a good writer.

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

You loose confidence too quickly when people try to help you with your work instead of learn from what they have corrected.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:35 pm

Well, I look at stuff like Halston's stuff and my friend Megan's stuff and theirs is like... very descriptive and stuff. I look at mine and there's so much incorrect grammar and stuff.

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

If you give up, you'll never get better. Everyone has bad grammer when they first type their work out, which is why we have proofreading.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:44 pm

Okies.. ^^" So what was the error that bothered you?

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

You said "He could be harsh toward him, but other times, sweet to him."
The use of him at the end of a comma and then at the end of the sentence itself makes it look like you're over using it. I changed it to: "She can be slightly harsh to him, however, at times but other than that, she’s generaly sweet toward him, instead."

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:01 pm

i see. okies.

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

If you dont mind. =]

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:05 pm

=D me no mind.

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

Alright. c:

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:12 pm

I'll prolly stay up tonight typing it out. This might be a story I WILL finish. *never finishes any of her stories*

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

Well... Remember, that bit cant be a whole chapter if you're looking for something more of a chapter book. A good way to make it longer is exclude all those "()" and type out the information explaining it.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:24 pm

=o okies.

Subject: Re: NO TITLE. Tue Apr 13, 2010 1:02 pm

He shook his head and continued to read, Should I go and ask him what he’s reading? Maybe it will spark a conversation or something. I walk over and peek over his shoulder. “What are you reading?”
“A book.” Asshole.
“What book is it?” I look at the book, but it is in a unusual language. He slams the book shut and gets up
“Stop being nosey.” DAMN. It was just a question about what he was reading. He walks out, not letting me have a chance of talking. I sigh and cross my arms. Another thing, I always had the sense that Kaitou didn’t like me. He seemed irritated every time I tried talking to him. Fidd told me that it is just how he acts, so his personality is being an asshole?
I hear the sound of the door open. A dark figure walks in, holding a feather duster in his hand.
“Hello Master Hellix.” The suave voice of the butler says. Damn he’s hot.
“Hey~ and what did I tell you? Don’t call me master Hellix, please.” I say putting my hands on my hips. He chuckles and walks to the table, fixing some papers. There was an awkward silence between us.
“I think Master Fidd was looking for you.” He finally says, breaking the silence.
“Oh she is?”
“Yes.”
“Where is she?”
“I believe she’s with Master Foggy in her room.”
“Alright thanks.” I hurry off quickly.
The house is very fancy and when I say fancy, just picture a mini castle in house form. It is probably the one of the most beautiful places I’ve been to. Fidd told me that Kaitou’s parents inherited the house and he’s taken care of it with his life. I’ve never seen him leave the house actually. Every time Fidd and I go somewhere, he doesn’t go. Kaitou only locks himself in the library stuffing his head into a book.
The floors doesn’t have tile, why you ask? Apparently Kaitou and Fidd slide across tile floor when running. It does make sense though. There are many rooms in the house as well. I got lost the first day we got here and it was horrible. Now, I don’t get lost much as I did. It’s easy to remember where things are once you get to live here for a while.
I knock on the large wooden door and wait for a response.
“Coming~!” A small voice said from the other side, “I got it Foggy! You don’t have to open the door for…” I expected the small orange headed girl to open the door. Foggy blinked down at me and smiled.
“Come in Hellix.” He opened the door wider for me to come in.
“Thanks Foggy.” I smile back at him. I look up to see Fidd sitting on the bed with her arms crossed. A displeased look is on her face.
“I said I had it Foggy.” She grumbled. He sighed and walked over to the desk, sitting down. Fidd looked at me and smiled, her tail wagging, “Hi Hellix. Where were you?”
“I was in the library.” I say laying back.
“Were you spying on Kaitou~?” she giggled.
“ NO. ” Or was I.?
“You know you like him, Hellix.” Her tail swayed with amusement, as she smiled at me. I looked away and scratched the back of my neck.
“Tell him Hellix.” Foggy inputted.
“I don’t like him. He’s mean to me.” Lie one. Fidd frowned a bit and stroked her tail.
“It’s his attitude.”
“Yes, I know… you told me.” There was a knock on the door; the three of us look up. Kaitou walked in with his hands in his pocket. Speak of the damn devil.
“I need to talk to Foggy.” He says looking at Fidd.

(:I hmm.)

Admin Posts : 8673 Location : Digital World Mood : hi

>:U Kaitou's house does hae tile! Beautiful navy blue shining, mirror-like tile.

» Forgot the title.